Ask Amy: My best friend had an affair with my ex while we were dating

To be honest, I am less mad at him and absolutely furious with Alexis now. This feels traitorous. After I asked her to detail this affair, she admitted to it and downplayed it. She then attempted to gaslight me by saying that I was jealous and overreacting. My biggest takeaway: I watched her wreck other marriages, but somehow never thought she would harm ME.

If Alexis had admitted to this, apologized and asked for forgiveness, I would definitely get there, but she says she has nothing to apologize for, is being flippant with me and is telling others in our social group that I must be a nut case, because this was YEARS ago and thus too infantile to discuss. Yes, I am angry, and this is NEW information for me! I loved the guy, and Alexis knew it! Where do I go from here?

— Betrayed

Betrayed: From here, you should go to your room, your car, your treadmill, your coffee shop or any place where you go to lick your wounds, ponder the events of your life, and attempt to make sense of things. Yes, this is brand new information for you, and your reaction to this revelation seems completely rational.

You have also identified your own hubris in believing this best friend would carom her way through other relationships and marriages like the giant boulder in “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” while also believing that you, like Indiana Jones, could somehow successfully outrun her.

Yes, best friends trust one another. This basically defines the sort of intimate friendship you and Alexis have shared. I would characterize her friendship style as scorched earth. In my opinion, no one gets to brand an upset and struggling person as a “nut case” with no consequences. Once you clarify your own feelings, decide what those consequences will be.

Dear Amy: After they had arrived at our home for a scheduled visit of several days, our friends told us about a bedbug infestation in their apartment. I think it rude and inconsiderate not to give us the heads up before their visit so we could decide whether we wanted to risk a visit with them. I prefer to no longer be friends with them. Am I overreacting?

— Itching to Know

Itching to Know: I do not know if this is a friendship ender (that is up to you), but I completely agree with you that these friends should have given you advance notice and lots of reassurance that this infestation had been completely dealt with. Unfortunately, bedbugs do seem to travel aboard soft-sided suitcases and duffel bags. They can live for up to a year.

Now that I (and scores of readers) are experiencing a case of sympathetic itching, I highly suggest that you do some research on how to check for bedbugs, perform a thorough scan of your own place, then make your decision about this friendship.

Dear Amy: My wife and I eat out at restaurants frequently. I know the waitstaff rely on tips as part of their compensation. I often tip between 30 percent and 50 percent of the bill. I think this is generous and should be acknowledged by the server.

Just a simple “thank you” would suffice. My wife says it is my choice to tip generously and I should not expect a thank you. With all the discussions on tipping lately, I think it is a two-way street, and a good tip deserves a thank you.

— Unappreciated Tipper

Unappreciated Tipper: It may overall be good for business if a server noticed your generous tip and responded by saying, “I am happy you enjoyed your meal. We look forward to seeing you again!” but the server may not see the amount of the tip right away, or they may have been trained not to comment on tips to the customer.

© 2023 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.