I’m worried my wife’s lover is using her for sex
DEAR DEIDRE: My wife’s lover just uses her and instead of being angry about her affair I can’t help but worry about her.
We’ve been married for 12 years. Things were fine between us until I fell from some scaffolding at work six years ago.
I broke my back and had to learn to walk again. When you’ve been an active man who played football with his kids, it wasn’t easy to accept.
I got depressed and had anxiety. I wasn’t easy to live with. I felt permanently frustrated and still have panic attacks due to PTSD.
Our sex life stopped immediately and my wife really missed it. She’s always looked after herself and now works on reception in a gym.
She fell for one of the guys who works out there. She’s 38 and I’m 40.
I knew things weren’t great and then she confessed to having feelings for this guy. Now she’s asked for a divorce.
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He’s 36, has three kids and, as far as everyone else is concerned, he is apparently happily married. But my wife is convinced he’s all set to leave his wife and rent a place with her.
She meets this guy after work and it hurts me to think about what they get up to. He’s using her.
But I know if I try to make her see sense, she’ll just think I’m just being jealous.
I know she doesn’t want to make things right with me — things have gone too far for that.
I still love her, though, and don’t want her to get hurt.
Should I tell this other man’s wife about their affair?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You may well be right that this man is using your wife.
But what would you achieve by spilling the beans about this affair?
It would only reinforce anyone’s suspicion you are jealous, and by the sound of it wouldn’t encourage your wife to stay anyway.
Better to talk to your wife and tell her your concerns. After that, it is up to her to decide whether she takes on board your perspective.
Whatever she chooses, you could certainly do with some support through this tumultuous time.
A good therapist will help you process these huge life changes. My Counselling support pack explains more.
To help you come to terms with your accident, contact Assist Trauma Care (assisttraumacare.org.uk, 01788 551919).