STAGGERING through the house, I am so drunk I’m barely able to stand. And I’m sobbing so hard that I can hardly see.
Hours earlier, I’d been knocking back shots with friends in a bar, the life and soul of the party.
Now I’m back home, alone in an empty house — and the sadness has hit me like a punch in the stomach.
All I want is to cuddle my baby daughter, Xaya, but she is with her dad, Jared.
Xaya’s father and I broke up in February 2022, just four weeks after she was born, and I had no idea how hard it would be bringing her up with someone who no longer lived under the same roof.
Even when I was with my daughter, I was angry at my ex for putting me in this situation, and full of grief that we weren’t the perfect family I’d always dreamed of.
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Totally distraught
And when Xaya was with Jared, I felt even worse. I was so lost and lonely I didn’t know what to do with myself.
For months, whenever she was with him, I sought solace in alcohol and drugs.
Today I barely recognise that bewildered, out-of-control girl. After a lot of hard work and many ups and downs, Jared and I co-parent Xaya, now two, really well.
I’ve decided to talk openly about what I’ve been through in order to help others going through the same thing.
At the last count, there were 2.5million separated families in Britain, with four million children between them.
Mums seem to struggle the most and it’s no surprise to me that research shows single mothers report higher rates of depression.
Since I started being open about my struggles, my inbox has been filled with stories from other women in the same boat. Many, like me, never expected to be in the position they’re in.
From the moment I became pregnant with Xaya, I badly wanted everything to be perfect.
I’d lost my beautiful baby daughter, Consy, in January 2019, when she was just four and a half weeks old, so I was desperate for the perfect family unit with my new baby.
But it didn’t work out like that.
Out of nowhere, I became a single parent to a tiny baby I barely even knew how to burp properly
Within a month of Xaya’s birth in January 2022, Jared announced that he was leaving me.
Out of nowhere, I became a single parent to a tiny baby I barely even knew how to burp properly. I found myself all alone in this massive, seven-bedroom house that I’d thought would be our family home.
To say I was blindsided is an understatement. Awash with hormones and totally distraught, I refused to accept it, clinging on to the hope that I’d get back with him.
When friends gently suggested I needed to get a co-parenting routine in place with Jared, I didn’t want to listen. I was sure our break-up was just a blip.
For the first year of Xaya’s life, I was a mess.
I carried a lot of anger with me — anger at Jared for leaving, anger that I had to do it on my own, anger that my parents weren’t alive to help me.
My dad died when I was young and my mum, Consy-Gloria, passed away from stomach cancer six years ago.
While I’m close to my sister Emma, 39, she has her own life.
That anger manifested itself in lots of rows and shouting. Once, around 3am, I called Jared, crying down the phone, saying he needed to help me.
He told me I was doing fine, but that wasn’t what I wanted to hear.
I wanted him to drop everything and come and help me. We ended the call with me screaming at him.
I didn’t make it easy for him to be Xaya’s dad, either. Because of the hormones, the anger and the jealousy, I’d mess around with the days he could have her.
Understandably, that made him angry. At one point, things got so bad between us that I had to use my sister’s house as the pick-up point as I couldn’t bear to set eyes on him.
I struggled for months with the reality of sharing care.
One minute you’re a mum, the next you’re alone on the sofa. I couldn’t handle it and I missed her so much. I kept thinking of friends who were parents, all hanging out as a family, and that made things worse.
Jared wasn’t great at communicating, so I would sit there obsessing over what was going on. Was he putting Xaya to bed at the right time? What was he feeding her?
I was incredibly lonely and that manifested itself in a lot of negative behaviour. I bought an eight grand hot tub and would sit in it getting drunk, looking at the stars and crying.
On other occasions when Xaya wasn’t with me, I’d go out boozing with friends. I was binge-drinking and taking drugs in a bid to quash all the negative feelings.
Jared suggested I needed to go to rehab — and although I resisted at first, taking three weeks out helped me get my head straight.
Part of that process was recognising that some of the emotions I was experiencing, such as guilt about raising a child in a broken relationship, weren’t helping anyone, least of all Xaya.
As well as accepting that Jared and I were done, I stopped drinking unhealthily and started doing yoga. That really helped to centre me.
Getting stronger emotionally meant I was able to be more pragmatic about the reality of my situation. Part of it was accepting that whatever went on between me and her father, Xaya is our joint responsibility forever.
Gradually, we got into a schedule and we’ve been following it for around a year now. Jared has Xaya on Monday and Saturday and overnight on Thursday, and if something needs to be moved, we’re flexible.
I struggled for months with the reality of sharing care
There are still times when I feel a bit lost, but now I’m able to recognise those emotions for what they are and put them away.
And I’ve learned to use my solo time to focus on myself. At night I’ll do a bit of yoga, watch a film or read. I’ve learned so much and it’s one reason I’m now working on a book on co-parenting.
I’m also developing a co-parenting app.
Jared and I are now in a really good place. It’s not perfect, and he can be moody sometimes, but I’ve learned to navigate those unpredictable situations and not react to them.
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He may not have been a great boyfriend, but he’s a great dad to our fiery, feisty, funny daughter.
Xaya’s got two loving parents and I can finally say that, together, Jared and I are raising a really amazing child, which is all I ever wanted.
