Know it’s normal
First up, don’t panic! “Every couple goes through dry spells. It doesn’t mean either of you is broken, and is not an indicator that something is ‘wrong’,” says Dr Tammy Nelson, sex and couples therapist, author of Open Monogamy, and host of The Trouble With Sex podcast. Dr Laurie Mintz, sex therapist and author of Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters – and How to Get It agrees: “The limerence stage, where you can’t keep your hands off each other, lasts six months to two years, then fades, but people think there’s something wrong with them or the relationship.”
It’s just a phase
For Dr Sara Nasserzadeh, social psychologist and author of Love By Design, our careers, raising children, caregiving and health changes can all impact physical intimacy. “Simply acknowledging that many people go through this and naming it as a ‘season’ or ‘phase’, rather than a ‘failure’, can bring reassurance,” she says.
Check you’re OK
“Often the relationship a person has within themselves gets projected on to their partner,” says Dr Orna Guralnik, clinical psychologist and star of Couples Therapy. “If someone is depressed, for example, that strips away the ability to take pleasure. That’s not about your partner or the relationship. Go back inside yourself and see what’s going on with you and what you need to take care of yourself.”
Flip the script
Mintz says our sexual vocabulary is an issue. “We use ‘vagina’ for our entire genitals, linguistically erasing the part of women’s anatomy that gives us the most pleasure. We use the words ‘sex’ and ‘intercourse’ interchangeably, despite the fact most women don’t orgasm that way, and the word ‘foreplay’ suggests it’s the lead-up to the main event, all of which overvalues male sexual pleasure. If we overvalued women’s pleasure, we would call foreplay sex, and intercourse post-play.” And there’s a cohort heteronormative couples could learn from: “Women who have sex with women have more orgasms,” says Mintz. Why? “They communicate more, take more time, and they don’t revolve the entire encounter around penetration.”
Forget spontaneity
Stop chasing sparks, and lean into responsive desire, says Mintz. “You can have a great sexual encounter without being horny first. Say to yourself: this is the reason I want to have sex; it’s going to feel good when we get going; I’m going to feel closer to my partner – any number of reasons. Then start the encounter, and if it’s good when it gets going, it’s good sex!”
Dan Savage, sex advice columnist and host of Savage Lovecast, concurs, adding that when you feel as if you’ve got too much going on to have sex, you need to “block out time, turn off your devices and schedule sex. A lot of people think it has to be spontaneous, but swingers and people into kink report higher levels of sexual satisfaction, and swinger and kink parties are planned.”
Hit the switch
“If body positivity is failing you, turn off the damn lights,” says Savage. He adds that “blindfolds are a great sex toy”. Not into that? “If you don’t feel sexy in your own skin, but you’re working on it, don’t wait until you feel 100% comfortable naked in a brightly lit room before you have sex. Meet yourself – and your body – where you are right now by wearing sexy clothes, lingerie and/or fetish-wear.”
Nelson reminds us that “your partner is not critiquing your thighs. They’re longing for closeness with you. Most people lose desire not because their body has changed, but because of the shame they carry about it. When we feel shame, we hide, which shuts down our capacity for pleasure.” The antidote? “Confidence grows through intimacy, not the other way around. Be gentle with yourself and watch how you criticise your own body.”
Be open to suggestions
“Be GGG,” says Savage. “Good in bed, giving of pleasure and game for anything … within reason. This is tricky advice to give, especially to women, who are socialised to defer to men and prioritise men’s desires over their own, but ‘never do anything in bed that you don’t want to do’ isn’t nuanced enough. Never do anything that turns you off, upsets or triggers you, or leaves you feeling dehumanised, of course, but be willing to do something that wasn’t your idea but your partner is interested in trying. And your partner should do the same for you.”
Touch without expectation
“I often ask couples: ‘Do you touch each other daily?’ If the answer is ‘no’ or ‘little’, start with small touches here and there,” says Nasserzadeh. It’s key, though, that you don’t treat this as a means to an end. “Give affection not just as a prelude to sex or when you want more.” She says you can rebuild intimacy in four stages, “by starting small, making it pleasant, being consistent and allowing your bodies to refeel safety, connection and pleasure”.
Define ‘sex’ differently
“People have a narrow definition of what sex is,” says Guralnik. “Their expectation is, to put it crudely, intercourse where one partner orgasms. There are reasons people don’t necessarily have the mojo or the time to engage in that kind of sex, but there are other ways people can feel erotically connected; anything from a long kiss to holding hands on the train.”
Savage agrees: “I’ve been shouting about this for 30 years; the more broadly you define sex, the more sex you’ll have. Oral or non-penetrative sex, mutual masturbation, outercourse, toys – they aren’t sad consolation prizes, they’re real sex and can be great.”
Create a bridge
Overwhelmed? “Most of us don’t have a libido problem; we have a nervous system problem,” says Nelson. You need a transition. “Take a shower, step outside, play a favourite song, breathe for a minute, anything that signals, ‘I’m shifting out of go mode.’ Desire shows up when your body feels safe to relax.”
Talk about it
Here’s an irony, says Nelson: “It’s likely you talk the least about sex to the person you’re having it with. Try asking each other: ‘What did you like about the last time we had sex?’ ‘What would you like more of?’ Keep statements focused on appreciation, be positive, specific and curious. Conversations about sex should feel like an invitation, not a performance review.”
Nasserzadeh agrees: “Start small and specific, and lead with something that is already happening (‘I loved it when you stroked my hair last night; could we do something like that more often?’).” If you feel shy, Savage suggests you “sit in a car and drive while you talk, so you don’t have to look into each other’s eyes”.
Write a menu
To find new ways to be intimate, Nasserzadeh suggests “each partner lists anything they believe would bring pleasure and fulfilment, and shares it. At any time when they have energy and space, they can pick from the menu. The only requirement is that each person leaves the experience feeling fulfilled and wanting to come back, because if you do something once or twice and it’s not pleasant, you won’t revisit it.”
Incorporate mindfulness
Too frazzled to contemplate intimacy? Mintz suggests “engaging in scientifically supported stress management techniques – exercise, journalling, yoga, deep breathing, mindfulness”. Start by practicing mindfulness outside the bedroom: “When you’re brushing your teeth, focus on the sensations, and when your mind wanders, bring it back.” Then apply that to the bedroom, “because the greatest irony of good sex with a partner is you are completely focused on your own sensations”.
Set the scene
After a spell of low intimacy, a return doesn’t happen by accident. Create a little ceremony: “On Friday night we light a candle, put our phones away, sit opposite each other for five minutes and recall one thing that drew us together in the beginning,” says Nasserzadeh. “This signals to body and brain that something different is happening now.”
Quit ‘Tuesday at 8pm sex’
Bored of samey encounters? “Go somewhere else, change the time of day, go to a hotel. Wake up your sex life so you can see yourself and the other person with a new temperature around you,” says Guralnik. “I had a patient who would call it ‘Tuesday Sex’. Say: ‘I don’t want Tuesday sex, I want hotel sex!’”
Savage agrees couples needlessly end relationships when the sparks no longer fly. To get the excitement – and danger – back, he suggests: “Get out of the house, have sex in your car, go to a club and make out on the dance floor. It felt like an adventure when you were taking a risk on each other at the start. Get out there and take a risk with each other.” Another option? “Agree to have sex twice a week, but one person chooses the time and place. It will feel like an adventure you’re on together.”
Never ignore pain
“Desire sometimes decreases because you’re having lousy sex, and a huge driving force for women is pain,” says Mintz. “If sex hurts, seek help. A lot of that pain is probably medical or hormonal, especially if you’re around perimenopause.” She is also a big advocate of lubricant: “Vulvas and vaginas are not supposed to be touched or penetrated dry, and a lot of people don’t produce the natural lube – you can be excited about the sex and still not lubricate, and it will be painful.”
Make a contract
If it’s been a while, any advance can feel overwhelming and off-putting. “That’s a very common problem,” says Guralnik. “The contract should be: ‘We’re going to do just as much as you want right now, and the moment you want to stop, it’s fine.’ Then all that pressure goes away. No resentment, no pressure.”
Think kink (or don’t)
To work out your kink, “Honestly ask yourself what turns you on,” says Savage. “But know that you don’t have to have kinks to be an interesting or sexually liberated person. For many people, kinks are extensions or exaggerations of something that already turns them on.” He gives an example: “If you like having your ass slapped, you might like having your ass paddled.”
Mintz suggests toys. “A lot of women don’t orgasm unless they use vibrators,” she says. “That’s nothing to be ashamed of: we have things on our vulvas called Pacinian corpuscles, which respond to vibration.”
Celebrate mini wins
Finally, if you’ve had a prolonged dry spell, don’t expect things to revert overnight, but acknowledge your progress. “If you touch for five minutes, celebrate it. If you pick an item from the sex menu and both feel good, cheer that,” says Nasserzadeh. “Over time these micro-victories build momentum.”