Valentine’s Day 2024 falls on first day of Lent – and this year I’m giving up Bumble
A CAT shelter in America is offering jilted lovers the opportunity to get back at their exes by naming a cat after them, then having it neutered.
Meanwhile, a US zoo is marking Valentine’s Day by giving couples the chance to name cockroaches after each other.
The idea being that, like your love, cockroaches are indestructible and will last a lifetime.
Who says romance is dead?
Further down the line you can feed it to a toad if your prince turns out to be one himself.
Why do animals have to be collateral in this messy game of love?
Kissing frogs, plenty of fish in the sea . . .
Single people have to endure a menagerie of wildlife metaphors because it really is a jungle out there.
It’s no secret that mental health has nosedived since the pandemic, particularly in young people. But it’s also spilling into the online dating world.
It’s harder than ever to find meaningful connections through dating apps because the barriers go up and the fear of getting hurt outweighs the hope of finding love.
More men are looking for a “spark” and tend to value sexual chemistry over emotional availability.
It’s easy to discard and dehumanise someone when you express your feelings through emojis and you’re only ever one swipe away from never speaking to them again.
I’m not one to point fingers but there’s more baggage than Heathrow out there.
Dating app burnout is real. You can spend weeks, months and years bouncing between apps only to end up with creeps and fizzled-out matches. It’s a lot of time and energy to invest in fruitless communication
There’s only so many times you can bounce back before you begin to wonder whether it’s time to change tack.
As for the prospect of meeting in-person these days, otherwise known as “the old-fashioned way”, it’s become as much of a myth and legend as paper is to futuristic sci-fi films.
Modern dating experts suggest you can meet potential partners in the gym, but despite going five times a week, that will never happen for me — and it’s all down to genetics.
According to the genealogy report I had done, I have more Neanderthal DNA than 97 per cent of other users.
What does this mean?
Well, besides now carrying the rather uncomplimentary image of a knuckle dragger, I have a terrible sense of direction and tend to sweat from my head.
You can see how easily my dating profile writes itself.
I’m less gym bunny and more gym chimpanzee so, quite frankly, I would negatively judge any man who approached me in my primate state.
This year, Valentine’s Day happens to fall on the first day of Lent, so it’s the perfect time to give up on love.
If it’s going to end with cats having their bits chopped off and cockroaches being fed to toads, I want nothing more to do with it.
In all seriousness, it’s not a bad idea to give yourself a break from “searching”, not just because the law of the universe dictates that the moment you stop looking, you will find someone, but because it can really damage your mental health to be obsessing over profiles and getting nowhere.
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If people can forego alcohol, fizzy drinks and meat for 40 days, I’m sure we can stay off Bumble for a while.
Plus, if you give up looking for love, you don’t need to give up chocolate.