The best ways to make, and keep, friends for life

About five years ago, I decided to fluff my friend basket because of friends dying, diminishing and moving. I asked three work colleagues for a lunch date. Then a second lunch date. On the third, I asked if they thought it worth trying with our spouses. After three dinners went well, I then I tried having them to our home to watch a college basketball game. That was enormous fun for two of the couples, who I refer to as the “hoop group.” We are a happy, emotionally supportive, affectionate group of friends.

“Tag!! You’re it!!!!”

Dianne Singleton, Okemos, Mich.

Be curious together

Paul and I have been friends since we met on an archaeological dig in New Mexico in 1968. We share many common interests: archaeology, Native American cultures, Rachel Maddow. Going to Pueblo feast days, we always manage to find something we haven’t seen before.

But we also complement each other. I’m Jewish; Paul is an atheist. Yet I got him interested in Torah study, and he’s been to more Shabbat dinners, Passover seders and other celebrations than most of the members of my congregation. His wife, also an atheist, is a member of my congregation’s sisterhood. Often our interests and skills complement each other. He’s a gifted mechanic; I’m not. I’m a very good editor, and he usually invites me to edit what he writes.

Gordon Bronitsky, Albuquerque

Find your group

As a 67-year-old, I find myself in an enviable position as a member of very diverse group of women. The lovely part is that with 14 of us, give or take, we can choose whether to go to our Thursday dinner, to occasional concerts, on day trips or even on a few cruises, or not. There’s no guilt if we can’t or don’t want to. With that many of us, we can hang out without getting tired of each other. It has been delightful to reconnect, hear each others’ stories and know that each of us has had or are having significant challenges. We show up for a crisis and we make sure we laugh more than we cry. Some are divorced, some married. As we face the most challenging years, I count these friends as the most important part of my mental health picture and the most beautiful part of aging.

Carol Jones, Lake Forest, Ill.

Plan shared activities

I wrote this note just before getting up and going on a walk in the mountains with two of my dearest friends. Exercising together is a wonderful way to spend time. Weeding at each other’s houses gets the work done faster. Oh, and how about mending together? Bring your quilt that has a hole or a sweater that needs starting, and we’ll sit around working on the project together, laughing.

Nancy Seldin, Missoula, Mont.

Make a regular date

I have a friend with whom I have been having lunch every month for 47 years. Mike and I met on a softball team assembled by a mutual acquaintance. Over those years, we have shared the births of our children, the joys of their childhoods, the emotions of their marriages along with the deaths of parents, siblings and children. The key to the longevity of our friendship has been the consistency of our communication. We never hesitated to call each other when some life event was upon us. We’ll have lunch again next week before he heads off for family vacation. But we’ve found that it’s getting harder to remember whose turn it is to buy.

William Snyder, Waukee, Iowa

I never leave a friend date without making a date and time for the next one! Last step for any dinner, trivia night, Zoom call or flea market excursion is for us to take out calendars and make a firm date and time for the next hang. It works, and my friends love it — they remind me when I forget now. I learned this from my 80-year-old aunt, who uses the technique with her circle of girlfriends.

Elizabeth McKinstry, Springfield, Mass.

As an 84-year-old, I find it is important to maintain contact with friends, especially those who go back to high school and college. I’ve made a few more friends since then whom I consider special. It is easier to have a lunch date at a local deli and sit and talk for two or three hours several times a year. I always give the server a $20-$30 tip up front and tell them we will be here for a few hours, so we can have an uninterrupted talk session and good food. I have told several of these friends that I love them as a brother. We feel free to express ourselves openly and listen to one another intensely. Several have passed away in recent years, but I will forever hold the memories of these lunches as special.

Philip Kaufman, Meadowbrook, Pa.

Be a physical presence

I visit my friends from junior high school who live in other cities and countries. When I moved from my birth country of Mexico at 19, there were no cellphones, email or, really, any quick or inexpensive ways to stay connected — international, long-distance phone calls were expensive!

I sent handwritten letters to my closest friends. I then started using email, Myspace (remember that?) and more as technology evolved. When I was able to afford it, I visited friends in other places or we met at a central location once every couple of years.

This past year, as we all started to turn 50, I made a promise to myself I’d meet each of my closest friends wherever they might be celebrating this milestone birthday: Las Vegas; Mérida, Mexico; Amsterdam; Cartagena, Colombia; or Jupiter, Fla. My last trip will be this fall to Cancún, Mexico. I call it my Tour de 50.

Alejandra X. Castañeda, Denver

Tell the truth

My friendships feel stronger for not doing certain things.

I own a business that is not doing well. For the first year, I projected a face of success and excitement even though I was exhausted and consumed. Now, I tell people that it’s hard and a struggle to keep things going but that I’m persevering. I believe that people appreciate the truth even if it’s painful. People respect that and can empathize and then offer support. This builds trust and friendship, at least with other business owners who hear my tale and then feel free to open up about how hard their own business is. They are all struggling but have no one to talk with about it.

I also stopped the doomscrolling on Facebook and told my friends that I don’t check there regularly because fear of missing out is a real thing and it adds nothing to my life or well-being.

Mark Burrows, Carbondale, Colo.

I keep my friendships active by maintaining open communication. I tell my friends when I am happy, not doing so well or need to hear what I don’t want to hear. I share my celebrations, wins and losses. My friends know my spirit, my soul, my fears and the areas where I can grow. We enjoy holding space for each other with daily text chats, impromptu happy hours and planned trips. Together, we break bread, get healthy, fall off, pick back up, disagree, shop and just love on each other as often as possible. And our families also share in our friendship.

Charmayne Turner, Baltimore

Say ‘I love you’

I don’t hesitate to tell a friend — of either sex — that I love them. I’ve done this at least since I was a young teenager. This has never interfered with my other relationships or with my good marriage of 47 years.

Betsy Rosen, Ross, Calif.

Have a code phrase

I have a text that — learned from another good friend — I send out. It is simply: “Friend Check.” It does two things: It reminds the other person that they are a capital-F Friend and that I am inquiring into their status. We respond with as little or as much as we can in the moment and set up a phone call or visit if warranted. It works!

Lee Anne Swanson-Peet, St. Paul, Minn.

Tend your garden

My friends and I have regular phone calls and periodic get-togethers, including novel activities such as creating our own lipsticks or perfumes or traveling to a place neither of us has been. I also support my friends in their endeavors, including attending their art events or fundraisers they promote. I remember important dates such as birthdays, anniversaries and significant medical appointments and check in accordingly. I also let them know how much I enjoy spending time with them and thank them for their support during my own tough times. If I feel distance growing between us, I ask if they feel it, too, and whether I have done something to offend.

I treat my friendships as living things that require ongoing nourishment, appreciation and attention.

Maria Esposito, Staten Island