My husband cheated on me, I forgave him but found a sick secret on his phone when I was pregnant… why I took him back
THE right person will enter your life at the right time, or so the saying goes - and Tori Santos could not agree more.
The mum-of-two believes she and husband Nelson were destined to meet when they did - despite a bumpy ride in the relationship later on.
A tired single mum of two boys, Jacoby, then six, and Cillian, one, Tori was browsing the aisles of the supermarket when the chance meeting took place in January 2017.
She remembers: “I was distracted and wheeled Cillian's pram onto a stranger's foot.
“We were soon laughing, as I awkwardly apologised and Cillian giggled, oblivious to my embarrassment.”
The stranger turned out to be Nelson, then 33, and after chatting the pair exchanged numbers.
She says: “I look back on it as a Sliding Doors moment, a chance meeting but one that has caused me so much happiness and pain in equal measure.”
Portuguese Nelson was everything Tori had been looking for in a man.
As a working single mum to two boisterous boys, she revelled in his home-cooked meals, romantic gestures and boundless energy.
Family-oriented Nelson was great with her two sons, lifting Cillian onto his shoulders, playing Lego with them both for hours.
She says: “I soon found myself falling deeply in love with Nelson, and when he declared he felt the same, it felt like nothing could ever ruin our happiness.”
In December 2017, Tori threw Nelson a surprise birthday party, where she had an even bigger surprise in store.
“I ended up proposing,” she says.
“Nelson was so excited, telling me he’d been planning to ask me too, soon.
“We were both so happy, but as we started making wedding plans, Nelson became more distant, always on his phone.”
Shock discovery
By February 2018, Nelson was spending longer at his waiting-staff job claiming to be at work meetings or picking up extra shifts.
“When he started carrying his phone around with him, even taking it to the bathroom, I became suspicious,” Tori says.
“We'd stopped having sex as much and a gut instinct told me he was having an affair.
“At first, I just didn't want to believe it, but then one night, Nelson was at work and I was making dinner for the boys when an old friend messaged to say she'd seen Nelson on a dating site and he'd asked her out.
“Standing in the kitchen, wiping tears from my face before Jacoby and Cillian noticed, it felt like I'd been punched hard in the chest - the emotional hurt felt like physical pain.”
That night, while Nelson was asleep, Tori checked his phone for the first time.
“I knew it was wrong to snoop but I just had to know whether he was lying to me,” she says.
“Of course, what I found confirmed all my worst fears - countless messages from other women, sexually explicit photos and videos too - and it was clear he'd been intimate with a lot of them.
“I felt sick, angry and humiliated and I wanted to launch at him as he lay there sleeping, oblivious to what I'd just discovered.”
Somehow, Tori was able to get some sleep before confronting Nelson the next morning.
“To begin with, he told me that I'd got it all wrong, it wasn't what I thought, but that just made me more livid,” she says.
“I told him he was taking me for a fool and threw him out of the home we shared.”
While Nelson went to live with his mum, Tori had to explain to the boys that he wasn't going to be around any more, and work out how to tell her family and friends it was over.
I didn't think I could ever get over the unbearable pain of his betrayal
Tori Santos
“Nelson soon admitted he'd been with countless women behind my back - even using swinging sites to meet up with strangers for sex - and he broke down, begging me for forgiveness,” Tori remembers.
“He told me that it was just sex and that it hadn't meant anything, that he loved me and would change.
“But even if I believed he meant it and he'd never cheat again, I didn't think I could ever get over the unbearable pain of his betrayal.
“'How could he?' I asked myself constantly as I cried myself to sleep.
“But while I hated Nelson for the pain he'd caused, I also missed him desperately and so did the boys. What he'd done hadn't taken away the fact that I still loved him.
“Our happy family unit had been ripped apart, and for what?
“A series of mistakes that I knew he now desperately regretted.”
Tragic loss
Tori reasoned that ‘everyone deserves a second chance’ but friends were dumbfounded by her decision.
She says: “They stared at me in amazement. 'You can't seriously be thinking of forgiving him?' one close friend raged.
“I was certain that he could change, though, and slowly I allowed Nelson to come back into my life.”
But this time, there were ground rules.
Tori was allowed to check his phone daily and late night ‘work meetings’ were off the table too.
Nelson was determined to prove himself and when Tori fell pregnant a month later, in April 2018, the couple were overjoyed.
“I hoped it was the fresh start we needed to repair our relationship and focus on the future,” she says.
“Only, the stress of constantly second-guessing Nelson really took its toll on me and in September 2018 I miscarried our daughter at 20 weeks.
Four red flags your partner is cheating
Private Investigator Aaron Bond from BondRees revealed four warning signs your partner might be cheating.
They start to take their phone everywhere with them
In close relationships, it's normal to know each other's passwords and use each other's phones, if their phone habits change then they may be hiding something.
Aaron says: "If your partner starts changing their passwords, starts taking their phone everywhere with them, even around the house or they become defensive when you ask to use their phone it could be a sign of them not being faithful."
"You should also look at how they place their phone down when not in use. If they face the phone with the screen facing down, then they could be hiding something."
They start telling you less about their day
When partners cheat they can start to avoid you, this could be down to them feeling guilty or because it makes it easier for them to lie to you.
"If you feel like your partner has suddenly begun to avoid you and they don't want to do things with you any more or they stop telling you about their day then this is another red flag."
"Partners often avoid their spouses or tell them less about their day because cheating can be tough, remembering all of your lies is impossible and it's an easy way to get caught out," says Aaron.
Their libido changes
Your partner's libido can change for a range of reasons so it may not be a sure sign of cheating but it can be a red flag according to Aaron.
Aaron says: "Cheaters often have less sex at home because they are cheating, but on occasions, they may also have more sex at home, this is because they feel guilty and use this increase in sex to hide their cheating. You may also find that your partner will start to introduce new things into your sex life that weren't there before."
They become negative towards you
Cheaters know that cheating is wrong and to them, it will feel good, this can cause tension and anxiety within themselves which they will need to justify.
"To get rid of the tension they feel inside they will try to convince themselves that you are the problem and they will become critical of you out of nowhere. Maybe you haven't walked the dog that day, put the dishes away or read a book to your children before bedtime. A small problem like this can now feel like a big deal and if you experience this your partner could be cheating," warns Aaron.
“It was a truly devastating time for both of us, but I blamed Nelson, especially when my doctor said it was stress-induced.
“Yes, I loved him, but I still harboured a lot of resentment towards him.”
Still grieving their loss, in October 2018 the pair married in a small ceremony at Llandudno Registration Office.
“Despite everything, we were both determined to make a go of it, and I fell pregnant again soon after,” Tori says.
But the following month in November 2018, while shopping in town with the boys, an incident saw Tori second-guessing herself.
“We walked past a woman and something in the way she looked at him, then me, made all the doubts and distrust I'd put behind me come flooding back to the surface,” Tori says.
“My gut was telling me what I didn't want to admit - Nelson was cheating again.”
One morning a week later, while Nelson was in the shower, Tori went to the bedroom to check his phone.
“My hands were shaking as, hidden away on a new messaging app, I found messages from him and the woman we'd seen in town,” she says.
“'I can't wait to see you again,' he'd written.
I was numb, but above all fiercely protective of my unborn baby
Tori Santos
“'When are you leaving her?' she'd replied. This time, I didn't know how to feel.
“I was numb, but above all fiercely protective of my unborn baby.”
When Nelson emerged from the shower, Tori presented him with the phone and asked him to leave and this time he went without a fight.
“I was too scared of another miscarriage to properly process what had happened,” she says.
In the weeks that followed, Tori looked into getting the marriage annulled, and had every intention of leaving Nelson.
“But every time I thought about life without him I broke down,” she says.
“I'd been a single mum to both my boys, and I wanted stability for them and my unborn baby - I wanted our child to have a mum and a dad at home.
“Meanwhile, Nelson declared his undying love for me and his regrets at what he'd done.
“He said he didn't know why he did what he did, it wasn't a sex addiction, more just because he was being thoughtless and selfish, putting his own desires before my feelings.
“This time, he seemed genuinely remorseful and I could tell he hated himself for what he’d done.
“And, in time, I realised that, despite the pain he’d caused, I needed Nelson just as much as he needed me.
“For better or for worse, we needed to fight for our marriage.”
It took a lot more grovelling from Nelson before Tori allowed him to come home.
“He made many promises he would never cheat again - yes, we’d been here before, but all I could do was pray that this time things would be different,” Tori says.
In June 2020, the couple welcomed their daughter Tiana.
“I saw a different side to him,” Tori says.
“He transformed overnight, becoming a devoted dad and husband whose focus was solely on his family. “
During lockdown the couple were both furloughed from work spending their time at home with their kids.
“We spent a lot of time together as a family and we both realised just how lucky we were to have a happy, healthy family who love each other,” Tori says.
“Now, as cliched as it sounds, we really are stronger than ever - Nelson is a changed man.
“Of course trust is something that he is earning back gradually.”
Tori says that while she still occasionally checks her husband’s phone he is aware that there are no more chances.
“I hope he’ll never let me down,” Tori adds.
“I’ve seen him grow from a selfish, immature man to a considerate, caring husband and father and I truly believe that’s all down to the power of forgiveness.”
NELSON SAYS...
“I'm so grateful for Tori's love and understanding and I can't thank her enough for giving me those second and third chances to prove myself to her and my family. I still regret what I did, every single day.
“I just didn't think about my actions - I just did it because I thought I could get away with it, and I'm ashamed of myself really.
“It was completely wrong, selfish and reckless and I hate how much I hurt her and what I put her through. Tori was my reason for changing. I'm a completely different person now, and it's all thanks to her.”