Four expert ways to stop your kids from ruining your sex life & why dirty weekends away aren’t the answer
SWAPPING dirty weekends for dirty nappies has an impact on the sex life of even the most amorous couples.
The mental and physical changes of becoming a parent mean that 86 per cent have sex less often since having children, according to a survey by charity Family Lives.
Nearly three-quarters also admitted their sex life had taken a turn for the worse since they had kids – and it isn’t just the unrelenting demands of babies and toddlers that's behind the bedroom drought.
The same study found the mums and dads having the least sex are the ones with teenagers, with 23 per cent of that group confessing they hadn’t got intimate in the preceding month.
Lack of privacy at home and time away from children was cited as a big factor – with only nine per cent of parents saying they didn’t feel like getting frisky.
In her new memoir, published this week, singer Paloma Faith revealed that she felt like a failure when she struggled to be intimate with her now ex-husband Leyman Lehcine after their first child arrived in 2016.
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"Nothing for me has been as painful as the first time I had sex postpartum," she wrote in Milf: Motherhood, Identity, Love and F***ery.
“I felt guilty because it was by now seven months since I had given birth so thought I should have an obligatory try.
“I would say it took nearly two years for me not to feel any pain during sex. That’s a hell of a long time. It wasn’t erotic at all.
“In the end I decided to wince through it. I wanted to reconnect with my partner again. If I am honest I resigned myself to living a life of painful sex for the rest of my days.”
In February 2021, Paloma had her second daughter, and the same symptoms came back.
Paloma added: “It was not enjoyable or fun or pretty. I felt s***. I also felt like a woman who had been cut off from herself.
“No wonder I was off sex. I resigned myself to a sex life of not the most painless sex I had ever had once a fortnight.”
Clio Wood, author of Get Your Mojo Back: Sex, Pleasure and Intimacy After Birth (£12.99, Watkins), says this slump doesn’t have to be inevitable.
The mum-of-two, who went three years without sex after having her first child due to pain, says: “It’s common but it doesn’t have to be and building back to great sex is not the be-all and end-all of a partnership, but it’s a good start.
“While getting in the mood isn’t quite as straightforward as pre-kids – and that’s okay - there are lots of ways to retain and grow intimacy while you get your libido back.”
Here, Clio shares four tips for reigniting the spark in your post-baby sex life…
'Self-pleasure isn't selfish'
Start at the beginning and explore alternatives to penetrative sex, beginning with a good old-fashioned kiss and using your hands to stimulate the other.
Take your time over these acts of intimacy and you might discover new ways of giving each other pleasure.
Without the pressure of going further, you are more likely to relax and build desire.
Self-pleasure isn’t selfish either.
After the huge physical and emotional changes of having kids, you might need to reacquaint yourself with your body and what you enjoy.
Masturbation allows you to understand what makes you tick without another person to consider and could be the key to unlocking your libido again.
Cop a cheeky feel
It’s hard to flirt and build desire when your kids are around.
Chloe Madeley admitted that her once active sex life with her now estranged husband James Haskell took a nose dive after their daughter was born in 2022.
The celeb said: “I’m not in a sexual headspace and he isn’t either.”
Kate Lawler has also said she struggled to feel desire to get frisky with husband Martin while suffering sleepless nights due to daughter Noa.
If this is you, try to find a moment to pinch your partner’s bum in the kitchen, hold their hand while out walking and cuddle up on the sofa while watching TV.
Try a little dirty talk over the washing up too or send each other cheeky texts when you are apart.
Getting into these habits will make you comfortable with the other’s touch and creates much-needed sexual connection.
Call in reinforcements
Don’t be scared of sex aids.
There’s a new generation of female-designed products out there catering to women’s needs, which you can use solo or together.
How to strengthen your pelvic floor
The pelvic floor muscles undergo a huge amount of stress during pregnancy, which can lead to weakness post birth - and reduced sensation during sex.
But if you practise your pelvic floor exercises regularly, you can regain strength and boost arousal, says Clio. Here's how to do it...
- Find somewhere quiet to sit down or lie down and focus. Closing your eyes may also help to engage the right muscles.
- Concentrate on the back part of the pelvic floor first - the area you would stop wind escaping. Lift for a slow count of one, release for a slow count of one. Repeat ten times, holding for a count of five to ten at the end.
- Do the same for the front part - the area that stops wee escaping.
- Repeat again with the entire pelvic floor area. Make sure you release fully each time - muscles need flexibility as well as strength.
Invest in some lube (YES Organics is my favourite) and pick a toy that feels right for you.
Think about teases like underwear, massages and blindfolds too – or try reading some erotic fiction, which has come a long way since Mills & Boon.
There are options in print, on apps and online, which you could enjoy alone while taking a bath or driving back from work.
Likewise, ethical porn is available if you’d rather have a more female-focused option to watch together.
Fix your identity crisis
Communicate with your partner about how you are feeling – from any physical difficulties you have experienced post-birth or menopause symptoms, to your mental state and fears.
It’s normal for new mums and women in their 40s and 50s going through hormonal changes to suffer an identity crisis, and to feel a world away from your pre-motherhood confident and sexy self.
You might find he has similar worries about fatigue or pushing things too far.
Be honest about how you might have got to this point – and what could help.
Is time a factor? Could asking a loved one to babysit for a night give you the chance to focus on one another?
If tiredness is holding you back, think about having a daytime date while your kids are out at nursery or school – or even a lunchtime quickie if you work from home.
Even eating dinner together once a week – without kids, phones or TV to distract you – could lead to flicking a switch that leads you to the bedroom.
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If there are physical barriers at play, like pain or dryness, don’t be afraid to seek medical advice.
Discover more of Clio’s tips on Instagram @andbreathewellbeing