My boyfriend cheated on me with swingers and now I want to leave him
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend said he was going to play pool with his mates when he was secretly meeting a couple he’d met on a swinger’s website.
I only found out the truth when I turned on his tablet and saw his profile page on a swinging site.
I knew things hadn’t been great between us for a while but this discovery completely rocked me.
I’m 36 and my boyfriend’s 38. We’ve been together for seven years
For months he has pushed me away to the point where I’ve felt unloved.
What is bizarre is that recently he seemed happier and started to make an effort with me.
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He admitted to cheating when I confronted him, adding that he doesn’t know why he has behaved this way.
He insists he wants to be with me and says it was just sex.
But clearly the trust has gone and I’m now thinking about moving out.
Since I started questioning everything, I made a further discovery that he has also been having a virtual affair with a woman in the US.
They’ve been talking for hours, sending naked videos to one another and planning to meet one day.
He has apologised for hurting me and admitted I deserve better but he’s made it clear he’s not motivated enough to fight for our relationship.
I feel I have no choice but to leave him, which is easier said than done.
I still love him but I’m not in love with him after the way he’s behaved.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Men are better at compartmentalising their feelings and actions than women, so he may not have seen this as having any bearing on his feelings for you.
He says this was just sex but could you ever be happy accepting a man who is sleeping with others?
The fact that he hasn’t fought for your relationship really tells you all you need to know.
It’s good that you’ve observed the difference between loving him – the man you’ve been with for years – and blindly loving an idealised version of him, despite the infidelity.
He would have to be truly sorry to make a success of your future but he doesn’t seem to regret his actions at all, moreover, he’s only given you a half- hearted apology at best.
My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? may help, but deep down you know what you need to do.