My friends with benefits arrangements are tearing me apart
DEAR DEIDRE: I’m having sex with two women, both in a ‘friends with benefits’ type arrangement.
Most blokes would think it’s fantastic to have sex on tap and two women chasing you. I just feel exhausted.
The problem is that one of them is married - and I’ve fallen for her. The other is single, but wants a relationship, and I’m not really into her.
I’m 27 and the women are 26 and 30.
My married lover is a work colleague. We started having sex after an office night out, when she got very drunk and confided how rubbish her husband is in bed.
She said she loved him but the lack of sex was making her feel ugly and frustrated.
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I joked that I could change that as she’s gorgeous. We ended up having sex in an alley outside the pub.
After that, she said she’d love to repeat the experience.
We started having sex whenever we could. It was fine at first, but then I realised I had feelings for her.
She says she won’t leave her husband.
Now every time I see her, I feel down afterwards, knowing she’s going back to him.
In the meantime, I hooked up with the second woman - who is an old friend from college.
I said I didn’t want any strings, and she said that was fine. But she’s been getting quite needy - and annoyed when I say I’m not free to see her.
She says she wants to make things official.
The two women don’t know about each other. What a mess.
What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: ‘Friends with benefits’ arrangements work until someone gets emotionally involved.
You’ve fallen for one of your lovers, and the other has fallen for you.
You have to accept that the married woman is simply not available. See my support pack, Your Lover Not Free, for more on this type of relationship.
If sleeping with her is making you unhappy, it’s best to call an end to your hook-ups.
But that doesn’t mean you need to have a relationship with the other woman. The right thing to do would be to stop sleeping with her too, as otherwise you’ll end up hurting her.
Be honest and tell her it’s best just to be friends - without ‘benefits’.
Then you’ll be free to meet another woman, who is both available and someone you want a relationship with.