I’m having the best sex of my life with my work mentor 20 years older – but am worried I’m being used

DEAR DEIDRE: I AM having the best sex of my life but my lover is my mentor. She’s 20 years older than me and her long-term boyfriend works at our ­company.

I have really fallen for her, and think she has feelings for me too. What should I do?

I’m a 28-year-old single guy, working in security and my mentor is 48.

After a few weeks in the job, I realised that whenever she was around she flirted with me and paid me lots of special attention.

I was flattered. She’s incredibly successful and very beautiful. You can tell she goes to the gym and looks after herself.

One day, while her boyfriend was on a trip to Paris, she asked me to stay behind so she could see how I was settling in.

She offered me a drink, then asked if I would like to come back to her private office.

After a few more drinks, we kissed and then we ended up having the most amazing sex on her desk.

Most of my girlfriends have been shy and inexperienced, but she was not self-conscious at all and took the lead.

Since then, we’ve had sex whenever her boyfriend isn’t around — about 20 times in the past three months.

She keeps telling me how much she likes me, and how fit and handsome I am.

I can’t stop thinking about her and I feel jealous and hurt when I see her with her boyfriend.

I know she likes me more than him. But a little voice in my head keeps telling me I’m doing wrong. I’m also worried I’m being used.

DEIDRE SAYS: She’s your mentor, she’s much older and she’s in a relationship.

Alone, each of these factors poses a significant challenge to a successful relationship. Together, they make the chances of a happy future extremely remote.

Forbidden relationships are thrilling. But if you continue this affair, you’re likely to get very hurt and risk your job.

This woman is taking a huge risk and I’d be wary of such reckless behaviour.

My support pack, Your Lover Not Free, explains the pitfalls of a relationship with someone who is unavailable.

Tell her you need to keep things professional. If it’s too awkward, look for another job.

Concentrate on meeting someone who can love you back. For guidance, see my support pack, Finding The Love Of Your Life.

SHALL I TELL MUM TRUTH ABOUT HER DEMENTIA?

DEAR DEIDRE: MY mother asked me if she has dementia, and I’m not sure if I should tell her the truth. Her mother, my grandma, had Alzheimer’s, and she always said that if she got it too, she wouldn’t want to know.

I’m a 47-year-old man, and my mum is 78. I look after her at home with the help of carers. She was diagnosed with vascular dementia three years ago. It’s made her very anxious, depressed and confused.

She has moments of clarity, when she seems scared and upset.

At other times, she appears unaware of her surroundings.

But a letter from the dementia clinic came the other day, and she saw it. It sent her into a panic. She asked if she had Alzheimer’s. I didn’t know what to say, as I didn’t want to upset her more.

The truth is, she doesn’t have it – she has a different form of dementia – so saying “no” wouldn’t be a total lie.

What should I do for the best?

DEIDRE SAYS: This is a dilemma. On the one hand, you don’t want to deceive your mum, but on the other you don’t want to increase her distress.

To discuss what’s best to do, and to get more information, see dementiauk.org (0800 888 6678).

Even though she doesn’t have Alzheimer’s, alzheimers.org.uk (0333 150 3456) contains useful information about talking to someone who has dementia about their memory problems.

WORRIED MY SONS’ PAST WAS ABUSIVE

DEAR DEIDRE: HAVING overheard my adult sons discussing the sexual experimentation they’d done together when they were children, I was shocked.

There’s four years between them, and I’m worried it was abusive. Now I’m not sure if I should confront them.

I am 46, their mum. My sons are 19 and 23.

Their conversation took place while they were watching a film together. The younger one was nine when it happened, and the elder, 13.

They were laughing about it, and neither seemed traumatised, both are well-adjusted young men, but I feel disturbed and anxious.

What should I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: Your concerns are valid. While sexual experimentation isn’t unusual, one of your sons was a teenager when this occurred, while the other was a young, innocent child.

There was a power imbalance, and sexual precocity can sometimes be a sign of abuse.

Laughter may disguise discomfort, embarrassment or anxiety, so doesn’t necessarily mean both are OK with what happened.

First, get some expert advice by talking this through in confidence with a counsellor at stopitnow.org.uk, which helps people concerned about a young person’s sexual behaviour.

My support pack, Abused As A Child, has more information.

STILL ANGRY EX LEFT YEARS AGO

DEAR DEIDRE: YEARS after my partner walked out on me, following the loss of our infant son, I am still so angry with him. I want to move forward but I’m struggling to get over my resentment and pain.

I’m 37 and my ex is 39. We were together for seven years and had a son who died of cot death at two months old.

The horror of the morning we found him will be forever etched on my brain.

Until then, we’d been so happy together. We were planning to get married and have a big family.

Losing our son was absolutely devastating and we both found it difficult to cope.

But my ex wouldn’t talk about his feelings, and I needed to. Ultimately, it drove us apart.

One morning four years ago, just after the first anniversary of our son’s death, he walked out on me, saying our relationship couldn’t be fixed.

It broke my heart all over again. And I’m still not over it. I don’t want him back, I just want to live again and perhaps find love once more. But I can’t stop seething and I still cry myself to sleep.

He was the only other person who knew our son. I’m so alone.

I know it isn’t healthy. How can I get past this?

DEIDRE SAYS: The death of a child is an unbearable loss. And when your partner walked out on you, it was like a second bereavement.

It’s not unusual for couples to fall apart after the loss of a child. It sounds like your ex couldn’t cope or communicate, so withdrew.

Talking to a counsellor about your feelings would help. Contact Sands (sands.org.uk, 0808 164 3332), a charity for those affected by the death of a baby.

Although you will never “get over” your child’s death, you can learn to process it and live a fulfilling life again.

My support pack about bereavement would be helpful to read.