Use the 3C’s on your profile & don’t fall into the texting trap… celeb dating expert’s 10 dos and don’t for Valentines
FOR many singles, February 14 is a reminder that Cupid is yet to strike.
So if modern dating is making you weary, resetting how you try to find a partner could help.
US dating coach and love expert Damona Hoffman says singles need to ditch outdated romance rules and use new tools to create a happy ever after.
Here, in extracts from her book F The Fairy Tale, she explains how to find love in today’s world.
- F The Fairy Tale, Rewrite The Dating Myths And Live Your Own Love Story (Seal Press), £25, Damonahoffman.com
1. Forget dating myths
MANY daters are stuck following four old-fashioned love myths:
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The List Myth – specific qualities for a perfect partner that you keep on a scorecard.
The Rules Myth – when you see dating as a tactical game to be won.
The Chemistry Myth – seeking instant sparks.
The Soulmate Myth – believing there’s one perfect match out there for you.
You need to leave these all behind. Understanding what is driving your decisions in love will give you the power to shift the path before you.
2. Focus on the four pillars
FOCUS on a new way to guide your relationship choices. My four pillars are:
GOALS – A shared vision of the future, whether that’s about parenthood, marriage or even non monogamy.
COMMUNICATION – This includes conflicts, you need to know if you can disagree and still find common ground.
VALUES – Having a compatible outlook on the world.
TRUST – Feeling safe and having mutual respect.
3. Ditch the deal-breakers
DON’T eliminate a potential partner unnecessarily. Consider if something like “non-smoker” is a preference or non-negotiable.
Preferences can be overlooked if there’s enough positives to offset them, and your options increase.
If you are going to tick something as “no” on an app, it needs to be something you cannot live with under any circumstances.
4. Adopt the attitude of ‘yes’
SAY yes to things, be open to new experiences and create a positive outlook on the future.
If someone invites you to a party but you won’t know anyone, say yes. If you get set up on a blind date by a friend, say yes.
Statistically, going to the same places and doing the same things is likely to yield the same results – no new love matches.
To get a different outcome you must shake up your normal patterns.
5. ‘F’ the rules, fix your search
WITH your mindset sorted you can increase your chances of attracting the right kind of people, online and offline.
Pick three qualities that best describe the person you want to meet. Then think where you would meet that person.
The goal is to encourage you to put yourself in places where your match might be.
Everyone in love today at some point took a leap of faith.
What's the history behind St Valentine’s Day?
The holiday's roots are in the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalia, a fertility celebration commemorated annually on February 15.
The festival also officially marked the start of their springtime.
It's thought that as part of the celebrations, boys would draw the names of girls from a box, and from then, they’d be partnered during the festival and sometimes go on to get married.
Pope Gelasius I then recast this pagan festival as a Christian feast day around the year 496, declaring February 14 to be Saint Valentine's Day.
Saint Valentine’s name has since been used by people to express feelings of love.
6. Online dating is just dating
TODAY’S reality is that most matches happen on dating apps.
If you dread opening your app don’t ditch them altogether, you might just need a new one.
Apps are mostly split into four types, traditional options such as Match.com, swipe apps such as Bumble and Tinder, curated apps which vet your options and niche apps such as rural dating site Muddy Matches.
A good way to avoid dating burnout is to cycle between the different types to keep new options coming in.
7. A picture speaks a thousand words
LESS is more with pictures. Your profile is only as good as your worst photo and the order you display them matters.
Filters are out, don’t confuse your dating app with your Instagram feed.
My three must-haves are colour, context and character. Colour, such as a bold red, helps you to stand out, context and character can show what you are passionate about.
When matching, be alert for catfishing red flags on any interested profiles. Watch out for sketchy photos or ones that look overly posed – like a doctor with a stethoscope.
Savvy scammers try to appear more trustworthy.
8. Obey texting commandments
YOU’VE matched with someone but getting to the date means one more hurdle: The texting trap.
To improve your messaging, avoid generic questions and ask thoughtful ones that inspire a reply, don’t overwrite, overdo emojis, message excessively or pick fights.
And don’t text drunk!
9. Fix your first date
FIRST dates should be around an hour long. Pick a venue where you feel safe and comfortable, tell someone you are going, do an online search and pre-date a phone call for safety.
I often suggest a three-date rule. If you are curious about someone, meet again and give physical attraction a chance to develop.
When it comes to sex, it’s complicated. You probably shouldn’t have sex with someone unless you feel comfortable having a conversation about those complications.
For most people, that’s between three and ten dates.
10. Fix your future
IT’S called “falling in love” because you must be willing to take a leap of faith.
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Just like playing a game of poker, at some point you need to commit to the best hand you think you can build.
Leave the modern love myths behind and step into the reality of the relationship future that awaits.