Can I save my marriage if my wife is a lesbian?
DEAR DEIDRE: Seeing as my wife has been having a same-sex affair with her best friend, is there any point trying to save our marriage if she is really a lesbian?
I’m now paranoid that she has never really fancied me, and I wonder if we should separate.
I’m 43 and she’s 41. We have been married for 15 years and have a child.
She has known her best friend since their college days. This friend got divorced last year after her husband left her for another woman.
She was in bits and my wife spent a lot of time supporting her, going to her house, sometimes staying over.
One evening, I witnessed them kissing goodbye outside my home. It wasn’t a close friends’ kiss, but a sexual one.
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I was horrified. I asked my wife to be honest with me and she admitted they had been having an affair for six months.
She says she was having a mid-life crisis and their feelings for each other had become confused.
My wife has ended the affair and has distanced herself from her friend.
She says she wants to make our marriage work.
She is adamant she is heterosexual but I’m worried she’s in denial and is gay in reality.
I’m now wondering if there have been other women in the past — and whether there might be more in the future. She has a lot of female friends.
Our sex life hasn’t been great for the past few years. Is this why? I don’t know what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: While your fears are understandable, it’s unlikely your wife only fancies women, not men.
More probably, her feelings for this particular friend developed into sexual ones.
Sexuality isn’t black and white. Many people believe it’s on a spectrum.
She has promised that her affair is over and that she is committed to your marriage. If you still love her, then it is worth trying again, especially as you have a child together.
But your insecurity is natural. It’s hard to trust again after an affair. My support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, should help.
Keep talking to your wife and be honest with each other about what’s gone wrong. Consider counselling too – either together or on your own.
Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships. org) can help with this.