Dear Sahaj: My sister-in-law is in her mid-70s, and for more than two decades she has been freezing me out of family gatherings, inviting my husband’s ex-wife and her other brother’s ex-wife but not me. She even discusses these invitations in front of me without inviting me.
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Ask Sahaj: Sister-in-law excludes me from gatherings and invites my husband’s ex
— Feeling Left Out
Feeling Left Out: Fraught relationships with in-laws can be draining, and can even take a toll on your mental health. Here’s the thing, though: Although it feels as if your sister-in-law is picking you as her target, she is probably like this in other relationships, too. It’s possible that your husband’s family chalks up her behavior as, “This is just how she is” — and because no one feels compelled to challenge her, it means you don’t know how to, either. That doesn’t make her actions excusable or okay. But I don’t think you should take her behavior personally; from what you wrote, it sounds as if she would have acted like this to anyone married to your husband, besides his ex-wife, apparently.
Some 20 years of conflict is a long time. Why are you reaching out for advice about this now? Did something specific happen recently? I also wonder how you’ve been handling this for the past two decades. I can only imagine that it has made you feel disconnected, frustrated and sad.
Where is your husband in this situation? He should absolutely take a stand with and for you. Is he going to social activities solo or spending time with his family without you? If so, it not only normalizes how your sister-in-law treats you, but it also exacerbates your feelings of isolation in his family. He should tell his sister that he doesn’t appreciate how she treats you and that he won’t stand for it. If he doesn’t, you need to talk to him about it. This may sound like: “I would appreciate it if you would say something to your sister about her tendency to leave me out of family events.” Or: “When you hang out with [sister-in-law or her husband] alone without me every time, it feels as if I’m not a part of the family.” You and your husband also need to be on the same page about the role his ex-wife plays in family dynamics and your lives.
If you feel comfortable, you could even say something to your sister-in-law the next time she mentions a gathering in front of you. You could say: “I know we have had our differences, but I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t leave me out of family gatherings.” Or: “I didn’t hear anything about that yet.” By being curious and gently confronting her behavior that isolates you, you hold her accountable to own up to it, especially if you never have before. It may not lead to her changing, but it will allow you to set boundaries around how you engage with your sister-in-law — such as walking away or having your husband speak up on your behalf and set limits around how much he engages with her. You do have agency, and you don’t have to tolerate your sister-in-law being unkind to you.
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Sahaj Kaur Kohli is a therapist and the creator of Brown Girl Therapy and Culturally Enough, communities focused on people with bicultural identities and immigrant parents. She has given advice about setting boundaries with your parents, friends who keep mispronouncing your name, and relationship problems.
Your sister-in-law may not change, so it’s important for you to consider other allies in the family you can turn to for support and to help you feel connected to your husband’s family. Your sister-in-law is trying to ice you out, but she can’t stop you from nurturing relationships with other family members on your own. It may be worth putting more energy into these relationships, rather than focusing on how she treats you. You could get together with those family members on your own or even host events, so you aren’t beholden to your sister-in-law’s rules or permission.
Although you and your sister-in-law don’t have to be close or even like each other, you should be able to engage with one another with respect and kindness. Even though it has been many years, it’s never too late to start making small changes to disrupt a pattern that is hurting you. Good luck.