I was wrong to think opening my marriage would help… now my wife and her lesbian lover got matching tattoos
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER my wife and her lesbian lover got matching tattoos, I now fear my marriage is over.
When I agreed to an open relationship, I believed it would keep us together, but it’s all gone horribly wrong.
I’m a man of 42 and my wife is aged 40. We had been very happily married for 13 years, until this.
I’ve always known that my wife is bisexual and had slept with women before she met me.
It didn’t bother me. But a few years ago, she asked if she could have sex with other women occasionally, for fun.
She made it clear she wouldn’t have an affair behind my back, or get emotionally involved with anyone.
She didn’t want to cheat. She simply craved lesbian sex — which obviously I couldn’t give her — and thought that by making our marriage open, she could satisfy her needs without hurting me.
I agreed to an open marriage, even though I had no intention of sleeping with anyone else myself.
I loved her so much, I couldn’t risk losing her. And, at first, it was fine. She had a few one-night stands.
But last year, she met a woman at work. At first, I didn’t think anything of it. But soon she started to become secretive with her phone.
It didn’t feel any more like she was just having fun. It felt like an affair. She began to lie to me about her whereabouts — and we also started to argue.
Then she came home with a new tattoo, of a bird, on her shoulder.
She admitted her “friend” had got one, too, and then confessed she’d fallen in love with her.
We’ve agreed to a trial separation, and I’m moving out to stay with my brother for a while.
She says she loves me and will end her affair. She wants to make our marriage work.
But I’m not sure if we can get past this. What should I do?
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DEIDRE SAYS: If you both want to make your marriage work, it is possible.
But you’ll need to work hard to rebuild the trust. And that means she needs to accept that having an open relationship doesn’t work.
Being bisexual is not an excuse for cheating.
Couple counselling would really help you. Read my support pack, Counselling, and set up an appointment through tavistockrelationships.org.
You should also both read my support pack Cheating, Can You Get Over It?
DISABLED AND MY HUSBAND IS BULLY
DEAR DEIDRE: I'M so upset because my husband doesn’t want me to enjoy a boozy lunch with an old friend and won’t drive me to meet her.
I’m disabled and no longer independent, and it feels like he’s controlling my life.
Until I was forced to medically retire last year, owing to my multiple sclerosis, I was a career woman with a busy social life.
I’m 60 and my husband, who is 64, has become my carer. He looks after me well but does like to play the martyr, which always makes me feel bad.
Now he’s said he doesn’t think I should meet my friend because she’s a bad influence.
I do tend to get a bit tipsy when I see her. But I am so looking forward to getting out of the house, and don’t want to lose the friendship.
She doesn’t drive, so can’t pick me up. My husband has told me to cancel.
DEIDRE SAYS: Maybe he is worried about the effect of alcohol on your health, or resents caring for you.
But he has no right to dictate who you see.
Ask him what’s worrying him. Explain to him how important it is for you to maintain some independence, and friendships.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to have this conversation.
If he’s finding caring difficult, suggest he read my Help For Carers pack.
Perhaps you could get a taxi to your friend’s place.
I DREAD 20TH ANNIVERSARY AT JOB I JUST CANNOT BEAR
DEAR DEIDRE: THE prospect of a celebration meal to mark 20 years in a job I hate is filling me with dread. I’ve wanted to leave for years and can’t face a night out with bosses who have treated me appallingly.
I’m in my late forties and have wanted to quit my job, at an engineering firm, virtually since the day I started there.
But it was never the right time to go. Then, when I did make the decision to quit, I was persuaded to stay, with a pay rise and promotion.
Now the company has told me they plan to organise a long-service dinner in my honour. There used to be a monetary alternative but that wasn’t mentioned.
The thought of smiling and making small talk with people I despise is making me sick with anxiety.
But if I say no, I know it will count against me. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: This celebration meal has hammered home how much you hate your job, and your regret over staying in it.
You could ask if the cash alternative is available. But if you’re sure that saying something will count against you, making going to work even more unpleasant, it might not be worth it.
After all, you’ve got through 20 years. One more evening of smiling through the pain is nothing in comparison. See this as the push you need to finally leave, and find a job you enjoy.
You’re clearly a valued employee who has a lot to offer.
MUM IGNORES MY RULES FOR KIDS
DEAR DEIDRE: MY mother undermines my parenting by contradicting everything I say to my children.
She’ll give them ice creams when I say they should have fruit as snacks, and buys them plastic swords when I’ve said no to toy weapons.
The kids are getting so many mixed messages that they’re confused. I’m 36 and a mum to a young son and daughter. My mother is 64.
She picks them up from school twice a week because she wants to spend time with them. I’m happy about that – but not that she goes directly against my wishes.
Once, my son was crying and she told him to stop because boys shouldn’t cry. That made me really angry as I believe it’s sexist and will teach him to keep his emotions inside.
These are only the things I know about because my children tell me. I dread to think what else she’s saying or doing.
When I said something to her, she denied doing anything wrong. I know grandmas and mums have different roles but surely she shouldn’t be going against my decisions.
I have no idea how to deal with this. Please help.
DEIDRE SAYS: Grandmas often spoil their grandchildren but that’s no excuse for under-mining your parenting rules.
Perhaps your mother disapproves of your parenting style.
And as her child, it’s very possible you may have issues with her parenting style, given that you experienced it yourself and are probably now reacting against it.
You need to make it clear that you appreciate her support but there are certain boundaries she shouldn’t cross.
My Standing Up For Yourself support pack may help you to get the message across without making her defensive. For parenting advice, you can contact familylives.org.uk (0808 800 2222).