Dividing assets in your will can split siblings. Here’s how.

This opinion has elicited so much feedback that I thought I’d share some of the comments from readers who have urged me to reconsider my view that parents have no obligation to leave anything to their adult children.

“Discovering that you are being treated very differently than your siblings is a wrenching experience,” one reader wrote.

Another said: “I have dissected, investigated, and lived the horror of disinheritance. The blow from the grave was stunning.”

I’ve heard from people who say their parents doled out money to irresponsible adult children, essentially squandering the inheritance they would have received.

“Why is it that certain children help themselves to parents’ funds for decades?” a reader named Michele wrote. “They are not ‘needy’; they are more often just greedy and lazy. The other siblings are left with nothing.”

Here’s what one reader thought was fair: “If parents choose to help their financially less successful children, they should consider it a loan or an advance on their inheritance. Money is not love, but unfairness builds resentment.”

She emphasized, though, that this did not include siblings who are physically or mentally disabled.

I heard from Sally, whose father left nothing to her and her brother. He had minimal contact with them and never paid child support. Instead, he provided for his children from another relationship.

“Some nominal inheritance would have softened the memory, would have said he recognized he was a poor parent and regretted it,” she wrote. “We had no idea why we were disinherited.”

To her thinking, a will illuminates the parent’s opinion of the child and regard for their history. “It is a parent’s last message to the children. When a parent leaves a piece of jewelry or furniture to a friend and then, without explanation, disinherits a child whose entire life had weathered difficulties with the parent, the non-bequest is loaded with messages. It is certainly the ultimate rejection.”

After years of hearing from disappointed heirs, my advice has evolved.

I understand better now that many people aren’t grieving the loss of money but what it represents — a tangible expression of love or an indictment of their relationship with the departed.

“After my father’s funeral, I was informed by my brother, who is a lawyer and was executor of the will, that I had been totally cut out,” a third reader wrote. “I asked why, and he said it was dad’s wishes. I have not spoken to my siblings since. I will NEVER speak to them again. The hurt will never go away, ever.”

Maybe an adult child caregiver is left more than siblings who wouldn’t or couldn’t help care for a parent. But an unequal distribution among adult children without an explanation can make heirs wonder what they did wrong.

“To decide to treat one child dramatically different in a will is often a negative statement,” Sarah wrote. “And the child often has no opportunity to hear why or discuss it with the parent. Parents that decide to punish a child, consciously or not, I’m guessing really have little awareness of how that decision will be absorbed by the family and how it will reverberate for many years.”

Recently, a married reader with no children reached out looking for advice on estate planning and what’s fair.

“I have one godchild who I am close to whose parents are doctors,” she said. “A significant portion of [the estate] would go to this godchild, but I also have family members who I am not close to who aren’t well-off that I could leave the money to.”

To this godmother, I would caution about assuming physician parents will leave an inheritance. The more money people make, the more they might spend. Or, health-care costs could end up eroding their assets.

What if you’re single? You may be wondering whether you should consider leaving money to relatives with whom you have little or no contact?

What’s wrong with leaving money to distant relatives?

When we give to charitable causes, we don’t typically have a close relationship with the recipients of our generosity. So, why not help family members who could use a financial boost?

Think about the emotional trauma you will leave if you purposefully leave an adult child or certain relatives out of your will. People change, they get help for their addictions. A once well-off adult child may later lose a job or become ill.

There are many reasons you may choose to skip over people to give to others. A reader from Virginia decided to disinherit his youngest child, who struggled with drug, alcohol, gambling and anger-management issues.

“I do not want to cause pain for my son upon my demise, but leaving a large amount of money to him would be the same as throwing it away,” he said.

Ultimately, it’s your money and you have a right to do with it what you want.

But consider the character of your children and the resentments — and expensive legal battles — your estate plan may cause if your assets are divided in a manner that your heirs feel is unjust. At a minimum explain your decision-making. Put it in writing.

If you’re working on an estate plan, I urge you to weigh more than the financial consequences of distributing your assets. This isn’t just about the money. There are other long-term costs to your decisions. Keep in mind, you’ll also be leaving an emotional legacy.