I found out my long-term partner is married when he called me by another woman’s name during sex – I’m devastated

DEAR DEIDRE: I FOUND out my partner is married when he called me by another woman’s name during sex.

We’ve been dating for five years. I’m devastated. At 40, I thought I was smart enough to spot the bad boys.

My ex-husband was emotionally abusive so I’d sworn off men forever.

But when I travelled 150 miles to oversee a project at work, one of the clients swept me off my feet.

He’s 45, funny, handsome and kind — he ticked all my boxes.
And the sex was amazing. We’d spend whole weekends together in bed.

The long-distance aspect made everything more exciting. He’d often be out of touch in the evenings, but I believed he was doing overtime.

I saw him every other weekend, and he’d send me flirty texts and emails at work. I never for one second suspected he was married.

Last month, he travelled down to my house for the weekend. On the Saturday night, we both got very tipsy on the sofa and ended up making love on the floor.

He had his eyes shut. As I leant down to kiss him, he murmured another woman’s name.

I thought I’d misheard him, so I asked him to repeat it.

He started to, then opened his eyes and the colour drained from his face as we both realised what he’d said.

Eventually, I got the truth out of him. He’s been married for a decade and he’s got two kids.

I kicked him out immediately, but he’s been bombarding me with flowers and love letters.

I know I should stay strong. I don’t want to be some man’s dirty secret. But I love him.

DEIDRE SAYS: You thought he was your happy ever after, but he’s just as emotionally unavailable as your ex.

Start standing up for yourself now and tell him that you won’t date a married man.

Setting a boundary like this feels scary at first, but you’ll be grateful you valued yourself in the long term.

Cutting things off for good will stop you feeling like his “dirty secret” and, more importantly, it will give you the chance to find somebody local to you.

Someone you could see often, and who would put you at the top of his list of priorities. You owe that much to yourself.

You’ve had a tough history of relationships, but it doesn’t mean that every man will be like this cheat or your ex.

My support pack, Your Lover Not Free?, explains why these types of relationships can be so addictive.

You’ll start to feel better when you’ve drawn a line under this and begun focusing on your future.

SHE PREFERS SHOPPING TO SEX WITH ME

DEAR DEIDRE: I NOW understand why people have affairs. I’ve been married for 21 years and my wife seems more excited about online shopping than sex with me.

I’m 50, she is 46. We’re too young to be celibate.

Everything was great until a couple of years ago. We’d have sex a couple of times a week and we both enjoyed it.

But then she started to seem annoyed, rather than aroused, whenever I made a move.

After a few weeks, I asked her what was wrong, and she said she was “perimenopausal”. I took her to the doctor and she got HRT patches.

Her mood brightened up and she got her energy back, but the bedroom remained a desert.

My frustration turned into anger and we had a blazing row. She said she’d be more in the mood if I took her out on date nights and booked a holiday.

So I did. And she wasn’t. In fact, on our last date night, she rushed through dinner and insisted we went home ASAP. I hoped it was because she finally wanted to hit the sheets.

No. It was because she’d got a text saying her Amazon driver was three stops away.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m on the verge of telling her I want to separate. I love her, but I don’t want a sexless marriage.

DEIDRE SAYS: Menopause can have a huge effect on a woman’s sex drive.

Even on HRT, the hormones are no longer as powerful as they once were and she may be feeling that she just doesn’t get the “urge” any more. She might also have started to find making love uncomfortable.

If she’s experienced painful sex, she could well be scared to try again.
Perhaps, if you tell her you’re thinking of separation then she may seek some extra help.

Testosterone is one of the hormones believed to make the most difference in sexual appetite for women.

Unfortunately, this hormone isn’t available on the NHS.

Your wife may want to consider talking to a private consultant about getting her hormone levels tested, or to ask her GP to refer her on to an NHS consultant.

My Menopause Explained support pack, which goes into detail, will tell you more.

Sex therapy might also help. You can find reputable help via The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk, 020 8106 9635).

FAMILY FORUM

DEAR DEIDRE: MY son blocked me from seeing my granddaughter, so I took him to court.

But the judge ended up ruling against me.

My son and I have always had a strained relationship. His father left us when he was a baby, so I brought him up alone and I must have spoiled him.

He got used to having his own way and I always gave in. I’m 60 now and he’s 34.

He married five years ago and had a daughter. She’s the apple of my eye. I loved seeing her.

My son continued to bully me. He’d demand money and threaten to cut off contact if I said no. He expected me to look after their pets every time they went on holiday, even though I work full-time.

I eventually stood up to him and told him I wouldn’t be pushed around. That’s when he stopped me from visiting my granddaughter.

He wouldn’t take my calls and barred me from their house.

I sent my granddaughter birthday and Christmas presents, but heard from a mutual friend that my son ripped off the labels and told her they were all from him.

After 18 months, I went to court to gain access. But the judge ruled against me, saying that as I hadn’t seen my granddaughter for so long, it wouldn’t be beneficial for contact to resume.

My son smirked at me across the room during the ruling. I’m heartbroken.

DEIDRE SAYS: What a distressing situation. I can understand why you’re heartbroken. Your bullying son is using his own daughter to hurt you.

Sadly, grandparents in the United Kingdom currently have no inherent legal right to see their grandchildren.

But you don’t have to go through this experience alone. You can find emotional support through Grandparents Apart UK (grandparentsapart.co.uk), a charitable organisation dedicated to helping grandparents keep in touch with their grandchildren if they’ve been denied contact or have fallen out.

You can also find information and advice through Stand Alone (standalone.org.uk) can’t get this link to work on laptop or phone, which helps people of all ages who are estranged from, or disowned by, their family. Good luck.