I forgave my husband after two affairs but I cannot have sex with him anymore
DEAR DEIDRE: I FORGAVE my husband after he had sex with two women, but there is one thing I still can’t do and it’s driven a wedge between us.
He is the love of my life and we are desperate to get our lives back on track but since I discovered he had a two-month affair with a colleague five years ago, I haven’t been able to have sex with him.
We have kissed and started caressing each other, but when push comes to shove, images of them flood my mind and I get overwhelmed with emotion.
Now my worst fear has come true — he’s strayed again.
Last year, my husband began meeting up with a new group of friends regularly at the pub. We’re both 50 years old, and this was a first for him.
I was so suspicious, I went through his phone. Reading his messages it became clear he’d met a woman at the pub and after a few pints, booked a hotel room and slept with her.
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She’s ten years younger than me and is everything I’m not. I confronted my husband after I found the messages, and he blamed our non-existent sex life.
I’ve tracked both women down on social media and while I haven’t contacted them, I know the frequency with which I look at their posts isn’t healthy.
We’ve decided to stay together and he’s even blocked his lover on social media, but I can’t bring myself to sleep with him. I know we need to improve our sex life for things to get back on track.
He is trying everything to prove I can trust him. But I can’t get rid of the images of him with these other women.
How can I save my marriage?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: By being unfaithful twice your husband has broken your trust and needs to earn it back.
It’s good that he is making an effort but taking you on dates and buying you flowers only goes so far – you both need to address the underlying issues that caused this situation.
Instead of setting up dates where you may feel the pressure to later have sex, set aside times to be intimate.
That might mean simply cuddling on the sofa and watching a film, or going for a walk and holding hands. Build up your physical relationship slowly.
While you are regularly watching what these two other women do on social media you are keeping yourself more connected with the infidelity.
Block them both to enable yourself to move forward mentally.
Sex and Relationship therapy would help you, COSRT (COSRT.org.uk) can recommend a reputable therapist.