I might look prim & proper but I’ve slept with over 100 people…my mum was shocked and friends judge but I’m not ashamed

BUSINESSWOMAN Nikola Howard might look prim and proper - but she's hiding a kinky secret.

The 53-year-old, of Bexleyheath, London has slept with over 100 people - men and women. Here she insists she’s not ashamed of her promiscuous past - and argues nobody else should be either...

Nicola says women face double standards over their sex livesCredit: Sonja Horsman

WHEN people first meet me they assume I’m your average respectable middle-aged woman.

I don’t dress in anything too revealing and love chunky jewellery and a nice pair of flats.

But behind my conservative look I’ve got what many people would consider a ‘wild side’.

I’ve slept with over 100 people - men and women - during my lifetime - and I’m not in the least bit ashamed. Why should I be?

Cheating

Nikola says her conservative look belies a 'wild' sideCredit: Sonja Horsman

Before I discovered that you could be open and honest about your desires with a partner, I did a large amount of cheating during my twenties.

It was a time when I didn’t properly understand intimacy and connection, boundaries or self esteem.

I had a lot of sex with members of the English Civil War reenactment society I joined when I was 18.

We’d spent summer days re-enacting large battles and living history camps, and as the evenings drew on I’d often catch the eye of a sexy ‘soldier’ - and before too long we’d disappear into a tent to have sex.

As the evenings drew on, I’d often catch the eye of a sexy ‘soldier’ - and before too long we’d disappear into a tent to have sex
Nikola Howard

It wasn’t done in any premeditated way - it was just how I spent my twenties.

I had my boundaries - married ones were off-limits.

“I don’t play with other people’s toys,” I’d say to them if I did receive offers.

Foursome-play

I wasn't shocked by The Sun's recent Valentine's Day survey which revealed one in ten Brits are in polyamorous relationships.

My first proper polyamorous relationship came in 2008.

I’d spent a good while in my thirties thinking about how to be a bit more ‘ethical’ in my relationships, after lots of cheating.

By then I was dating a man who was open and poly in his outlook.

I’d also snogged girls - I’d known I was attracted to women from university but hadn’t acted on it - until my partner and I began a relationship with another couple.

He clicked with someone on a dating site and got on with her like a house on fire.

I’d snogged girls before - I’d known I was attracted to women from my time at university but hadn’t acted on it - until my partner and I began a relationship with another couple
Nikola Howard

I then went to meet her and her partner and luckily I liked her husband as much as my partner liked his wife!

I spent intimate time with both of them and the four of us formed a 'couple of couples'.

That lasted two years until the end of 2010, when it detonated spectacularly with my partner telling lies about other people he was also seeing.

When you have more than one partner there’s always politics, and it all got a bit fractious in the end.

When we broke up with the other couple, my partner and I carried on, but we split six months later when I discovered just how dishonest he’d been.

What is polyamory?

POLYAMOROUS people have multiple loving and intimate relationships at the same time.

Polyamory is just one of the ways to practice consensual non-monogamy - similar to other forms of non-monogamy such as open relationships and swinging.

People who are poly believe it is possible to love more than one person at a time, and often emotions and forming a deep bond is key.

Often in polyamory there will be relationships of three or more people in an equal relationship with one another.

They can live together, or simply be in multiple relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved.

There is no standard unit, and the people can be all male, female, a mix of genders, trans or gay.

Each polyamorous relationship will have its own boundaries and rules, if any, and there is no standardised rule of what – if anything – constitutes cheating.

It is usually one of the fundamentals in a polyamorous relationship that there is no jealousy between the partners.

It’s definitely possible to be cheated on in an open relationship!

For all his faults, he showed me how beautiful and sexy I was and helped me ask for what I wanted in and out of the bedroom.

After we split I decided I wanted and needed to be on my own for a while - but that’s when the unexpected always happens!

Within a week of him packing up and leaving for good over Easter 2011, I went out with mates and separately met three people I had connection with - a lady 19 years my junior, an Army guy 14 years younger than me, and the current man in my life.

I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I had no intention of being exclusive with anyone and told them so, up front.

For all his faults, he showed me how beautiful and sexy I was and helped me ask for what I wanted in and out of the bedroom
Nikola Howard

But within six months I found myself favouring time with the lady and had what you’d call 'a full-on gay relationship' with her.

We sometimes had sex with Army man too, but he wasn’t around so much due to postings and eventually bowed out.

Although my girlfriend was loving, I found myself feeling smothered as I tried to meet her expectations.

But I carried on seeing my current partner. He is a 'one-woman man', so he and I were effectively friends with benefits, dating casually and meeting up semi-regularly for the first six years of our relationship.

We’ve now been together for 12 years, and yet it was only a few years ago that he woke up one day and said, "I’m your boyfriend, aren’t I?"

I was only too happy to reply, "Yes love, you are."

Open to offers

Nikola refuses to live with her current partnerCredit: Sonja Horsman

We don’t live together as we both value our independence too much to share a house, and neither of us ever wanted children.

My partner, who is 48, is accepting of the fact I could sleep with someone else if I wanted to.

He said to me quite early on that he’d rather have me as I am than not at all.

Behind my conservative look I’ve got what many people would consider a ‘wild side’
Nikola Howard

For now, I have made the choice to be with him exclusively. Mostly because I do not want to test the relationship, but there is a large streak of 'I just can’t be bothered with all that faff!' in there as well!

Sometimes we will talk about me finding someone else or us having a threesome, but somehow we never get around to it. I’m sure we will at some point, but it’s no issue if we don’t.

If he wanted to meet up with someone else then I wouldn’t have an issue with it.

I know he sometimes talks to other women online and I know he’s met a couple of them in person but nothing came of it.

No such thing as 'The One'

I don’t believe in this concept of ‘The One’, the idea that there is only one person for anyone in the world is rubbish.

We don’t expect to only ever have one friend to share interests with, so why should we expect it from our romantic partners?

I never want to get married either. Yes I fancy the idea of a big white dress and a big celebration of commitment with my friends, however I want to be in charge of my own destiny, my own money and my own life.

Marriage is an outdated concept, and I don’t need the government or anyone else controlling my independence.

The fact that I've slept with lots of people isn’t really a big deal. Why is it so important who we have sticky friction with so long as we are honest and open with them?

The fact that I've slept with lots of people isn’t really a big deal. Why is it so important who we have sticky friction with so long as we are honest and open with them?
Nikola Howard

I’ve never covered up my past; if anyone asks me about it, I’m an open book.

Yet at the same time I don’t go around shouting about it. It’s irrelevant to most people, and the resilience it’s given me has helped me in my job as an award-winning life coach.

My friends all know what I’m like and will sometimes roll their eyes at me.

Nicola says she's finally settled with one man - but would be open to new 'adventures'Credit: Sonja Horsman

I was brought up by a single mum who says she just wants me to be happy, although she once got very confused when she spotted one of my partners out with someone else.

She thought I was being cheated on. I explained what was really going on and she said she didn't understand it but just wanted me to do what I wanted in life.

I love my current partner very much but I accept that things might change. Who knows what the future holds?

If we ever broke up, I will be thankful for the time that we’ve had together and move on.

I’m not insecure about my relationships. I’ve no need to be. Jealousy is a taught insecurity. It’s such a restricting way to live!