Tom Allen: ‘At an early corporate gig, they opened the buffet in the middle of my set – everybody left’

Born in London, Tom Allen, 40, left school at 18 and pursued a career in comedy. In 2005, he won the So You Think You’re Funny standup competition and the BBC New Comedy award. In 2020, he published a bestselling memoir, No Shame, followed by Too Much in 2022. On television he presents The Apprentice: You’re Fired and co-hosts Cooking with the Stars. Since 2018, he has been a presenter on Channel 4’s The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice. His show Completely is on tour nationwide until June 2024. He lives in London.

When were you happiest?
On holiday in Spain with my family about 20 years ago. Sad, but true.

What is your greatest fear?
Isolation.

What is your earliest memory?
Getting deliberately lost in the supermarket so I could hear my name being called out on a public address system.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Fearfulness.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Selfishness.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
I did a corporate gig early in my career, and they opened the buffet in the middle of my set and everybody left.

Describe yourself in three words
Uptight, smart and charming.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My belly: I’ve eaten too much bread and drunk too much wine over the last few years, so none of my suits do up.

Who would play you in the film of your life?
Patricia Routledge.

What did you want to be when you were growing up?
An actor.

Would you choose fame or anonymity?
Fame.

What was the last lie that you told?
“Sorry, I’m late, the traffic was bad”, is the one I tell every day.

What do you owe your parents?
A home for most of my adult life. I moved out two-and-a-half years ago when I bought my first home.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Bread – hopefully my boyfriend doesn’t read that.

What does love feel like?
Security.

What was the best kiss of your life?
An air kiss from Joanna Lumley.

What is the worst job you’ve done?
I once had to sit on a sleigh and pretend to be Bing Crosby for a corporate party. I had to mime to White Christmas over and over again.

What has been your biggest disappointment?
Not understanding myself until I was in my 30s.

When’s the last time you changed your mind about something significant?
Recently about Just Stop Oil. I used to think they were going about things in the wrong way, but now I think they’re right.

How often do you have sex?
Once every Whitsun.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
A wig.

What keeps you awake at night?
The fear of nightmares.

How would you like to be remembered?
The greatest athlete we never knew we had.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Never save anything for best.