Miss Manners: I already helped my friends – I just didn’t announce it

Dear Miss Manners: I live in a small town where there are many opportunities to know your neighbors’ troubles and help if you can. In the past two months, there have been two families needing help. One friend suffered an illness, and another’s family home burned to the ground.

I helped the first friend by driving and running errands. Another friend of that family set up an app where people could sign up to donate meals. I didn’t sign up, as I was already helping in another way. Three friends forwarded the app to me, as they saw I hadn’t signed up: “Hey — did you get this??”

For the other family, I dropped off a gift card from the grocery store. Someone then set up a social media fundraiser, where the majority of folks chose to donate with their names listed. Since I'm not on the list, I'm getting the same question, with the implication I haven't helped: “Hey — didn't you see the app?”

I don’t want to feel as though I need to explain, but how do I avoid the “app shaming?”

In the current climate, the idea of not getting credit for your good deeds is unthinkable. Social media has only made it more public — and easier to shame those who choose not to, or who use a more discreet method for their charitable acts.

Miss Manners therefore suggests that, when asked if you have seen the app, you respond by saying dismissively, “I did, but I already donated privately.”

Dear Miss Manners: As family gathered after the funeral of my beloved husband, an in-law with little connection to him insisted I collect hair from his hairbrush. “It’s not too late to get a DNA analysis and ensure that he was really as much of a [specific ethnic group] as he said he was,” she told me. When I demurred, she said she’d do it herself.

My spouse would never have agreed to such a thing, and his near relatives were horrified. Any thoughts on a response?

“Please don’t.”

Dear Miss Manners: When my nephew got married, I couldn’t attend the wedding, so I wanted to send a nice gift. But when I looked at their wedding registry, all that was left were things like a bathroom trash can, drawer dividers and other things I felt were not appropriate as gifts.

The other options they gave were $20 gift cards, bank cards or a direct payment to them. Unfortunately, the registry also concealed their address and said it was “private,” so I couldn’t just send them something else. (I’m sure I could have asked and received their address, though.)

I find it odd to request cash or a bank card. Maybe it’s a generational thing? I ended up buying gift cards. I would have given one big sum, but stopped at just two $20 cards because I felt ridiculous buying a handful. What should I have done?

Asked for and received that address. And then bought the couple an original and thoughtful present of your own choosing.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

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