I want to leave my love rat boyfriend but I’m scared I will end up alone

DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though I know my lover is cheating on me, I fear I won’t find anyone else if I leave him.

I’m a woman of 25 and he is 33. We met in a bar when he knocked my drink over and offered to buy me another.

We flirted and, at the end of the night, swapped numbers. Days later, we began meeting up regularly. We’d always have sex in his car — and it was exciting.

But after a few months, I still hadn’t been to his home or met any of his friends.

Something didn’t feel right, so I did some research and discovered he was living with another woman.

He tried to fob me off by saying she was his younger sister.

Eventually, he admitted she was his wife — while trying to assure me they were splitting up.

Then a friend told me that he was also seeing a third woman. I confronted him and we had a huge row.

He became very angry and simply said that his life was complicated.

He told me that he was not answerable to me or anyone else and I ended up apologising.

But he left his wife a month later and I moved into his flat. He also promised he had stopped seeing the other woman, but his behaviour was off so I checked his phone.

There were plenty of messages proving he was still involved with that woman.

I haven’t plucked up the courage to confront him. He is very charming but chops and changes.

He’s angry a lot of the time. He doesn’t want me going out without him and twists what I say, making out that I’m always in the wrong.

I want to leave him but then I change my mind, believing that I’m lucky to have him at all.

DEIDRE SAYS: This man isn’t charming, he’s manipulative and abusive.

You deserve better, but his poor treatment has eroded your self-esteem and perhaps you haven’t experienced real love before.

If you were unloved as a child, you could be grateful for any attention, even when it is controlling.

Believe you are worth more and find the courage to leave. If you learn to value yourself, others will, too.

My support pack, Abusive Partner, explains more.

Another, called Raising Self-esteem, will help you to build positive feelings about yourself.

I need to know if baby is mine

DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend had sex with me and her ex in the same week.

Now she is pregnant and I need to know if the baby she is expecting is mine.

I’m 34 and she is 29. We were together for six years but two months ago she had a drunken one-night stand with her former boyfriend.

Now she’s pregnant and either me or her ex could be the father.

We broke up because of her cheating but we are still friends.

I was worried that the stress might affect her and the unborn baby but so far everything is going well.

My ex says she is willing to have a non-invasive paternity test even though she was initially worried it might affect the baby.

These tests cost hundreds of pounds though, and it is money I don’t want to spend if it turns out that it isn’t my child.

I know we can do a paternity test after the child arrives, but I would like to be present at the birth if it’s my baby, but not if it isn’t.

She is not with her ex but it would be awkward if he was to turn up for the birth too.

Is it worth getting one of these non-invasive tests?

DEIDRE SAYS: These tests are expensive but only you can decide whether it’s worth it or not.

Is it going to make any difference to wait? Pregnancy is always an anxious time for all sorts of reasons.

Being present at the birth is all about being supportive to the mum.

Ask yourself if you are really up to that – it sounds like the other ex isn’t.

Perhaps leave the support your ex needs when she goes into labour to someone else, such as a close friend or a sister.

Paternity testing after the baby is born will give you peace of mind. Contact cellmark.co.uk (0800 036 253322), which provides confidential, conclusive, court-approved DNA tests.

Her fury at me is a mystery

DEAR DEIDRE: THE other day my wife shouted and swore at me, and as usual I wasn’t quite sure what I had done wrong.

I am 32, she is 30 and we have been together for seven years, most of it happily – until she erupts with rage.

Although I know I am not perfect, her stress, anger and anxiety are totally over the top, I believe.

As I am all for a quiet life, I tend to just take it. I get the brunt of her rages both verbally and sometimes physically too when she lands a punch on me.

She never apologises. It’s always me who says sorry, just to get her to calm down.

It usually works but I am at the end of my rope and can’t take much more.

DEIDRE SAYS: Women can be abusive too, and if your relationship continues like this you risk becoming ill or depressed.

She sounds to be suffering from stress or perhaps a personality disorder.

Tell her she needs to get help. If she doesn’t, then your future if you stay with her will be much the same.

You need to call in someone who understands.

Contact the ManKind Initiative (mankind.org.uk, 0808 800 1170) which provides confidential support for male victims of domestic violence.